Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
A bitchslap is in order.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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