First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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