I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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