Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
