Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
