What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize