I will die if light touches me.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
