did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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