He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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