That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
