I have demons in me.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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