TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
