Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize