Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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