i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
third nipple confirmed
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
