I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
