just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
two words...techno handjob
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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