You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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