Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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