i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
