Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
