his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
