How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Acid is not a monday night drug
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
