dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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