I wish I could teleport
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
