I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
