if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
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