An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
