Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
