these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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