1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
