I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
PANTIES FOUND
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