whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
