you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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