worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
