we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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