I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
