i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
