I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Randomize
