Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
