i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
