You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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