The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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