you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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