sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
