It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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