I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
