Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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