just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
