Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
