If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
