The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
My dad just said "fuck circus"
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
