I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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