so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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