He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
