I faked an abortion last night.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
