My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize