I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
