Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I will pee on everything he values.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Randomize
